Me as Ian McKellen tackles the DEPENDS for Men ad, in his inimitable style.
John Boehner, contemplating life after the speakership, decides to do an ad for DEPENDS for Men. It's me of course, doing his voice on text read off a Depends ad on Amazon:
Maybe you took a hit during some pick-up football and experienced a little bladder leakage. Stay in the game with DEPEND Guards for Men, Maximum Absorbency. The cup-shaped incontinence pad fits into your own underwear to help protect against larger surges of wetness.
With a strong adhesive to lock into place, the Guards won’t bulge. They’re also designed with Comfort-Flex Leak Barriers for added protection when you need it most. DEPEND Guards for Men offer maximum absorbency, allowing you to feel confident and focus on life.
HELL NO, YOU WON'T LEAK!
Al Pacino tries to read an ad for DEPENDS for Men, but Matthew McConaughey keeps interrupting. It's all me, of course, for your enjoyment.
Are You Incontinent?
A little bladder leaking isn't enough to keep you from an active lifestyle. Whether you are hitting 18 holes on the golfing green or dancing with your lady, you can stay confident with DEPEND Guards for Men. The Guards lock into your own underwear. Adhesive strips ensure stay-put comfort when active. While you’re out with the guys or on the dance floor, the DEPEND Guards for Men’s cup-like shape stays close to your body to avoid a bulge, helping you stay discreet.
Me as my hero, Bernie Sanders, Independent Senator and one of the nicest senators who's ever served in both the Senate and in the House as an 8 term Congressman. This is his bio, which I read as him:
Bernie Sanders was elected to the U.S. Senate in 2006 after serving 16 years in the House of Representatives. He is the longest serving independent member of Congress in American history. Born in 1941 in Brooklyn, Bernie was the younger of two sons in a modest-income family. After graduation from the University of Chicago in 1964, he moved to Vermont. Early in his career, Sanders was director of the American People’s Historical Society. Elected Mayor of Burlington by 10 votes in 1981, he served four terms. Before his 1990 election as Vermont's at-large member in Congress, Sanders lectured at the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard and at Hamilton College in upstate New York. The Almanac of American Politics has called Sanders a "practical" and "successful legislator." He has focused on the shrinking middle class and widening income gap in America that is greater than at any time since the Great Depression. Other priorities include reversing global warming, universal health care, fair trade policies, supporting veterans and preserving family farms. He serves on five Senate committees: Budget; Veterans; Energy; Environment; and Health, Education, Labor and Pensions. He chairs the Veterans' Affairs Committee.