Pundits In A Bar 6 - Trump Jokes
Tonight's Denizens are James Carville, Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton, Niall Stanage, Professor Brian Cox, Sir David Attenborough and Rachel Maddow
James Carville: Sumbitch went ahead & did it.
Bernie Sanders: By Sumbitch you mean Trump
James Carville: Yep. He's gutted Obama's Clean Power Plan and replaced it with an EO that pretty much makes Coal Company execs richer and our environment poorer.
Bernie Sanders: I think he just writes those ridiculous orders just to make himself think he's a king ruling by decree...and for the photo op.
Rachel Maddow: Those poor coal miners are caught in the middle thinking that orange douche nozzle will bring coal jobs back. Black lung maybe, but jobs, no.
Niall Stanage: While I am a bit surprised by your use of the term Douche Nozzle, I agree that coal jobs are dwindling due mainly to automation and the Natural Gas.
James Carville: Speaking of Natural Gas, Trump's so full of shit, the methane alone ought to keep New York City warm through a hundred winters.
Bernie Sanders: Especially Queens.
Prof. Brian Cox: That orange tosser doesn't seem to know or care that he's declared war on the Green power industry, where jobs are actually growing by leaps and bounds. Solar is very popular now, as well as wind.
Rachel Maddow: Speaking of wind, Trump's hot air could replace geothermal for the whole of Iceland
Bill Clinton: I didn't know Iceland had a hole. Volcano?
James Carville: Holy shit, didn't know a former president was here in this bar.
Bill Clinton: I'm pretty good at blending in, ya know.
Rachel Maddow: Good to see you, Mr. President. What I meant about Iceland is that-
Bill Clinton: Trump could keep all of Iceland in perpetual summer with all that hot air of his.
James Carville: You're pretty fast on your feet, there, Sir.
Bill Clinton: Well, when it comes to Trump, I got a few. Trump is so nasty, he makes Al Capone seem like a Benedictine Monk after being spontaneously neutered by a rabid raccoon.
Bernie Sanders: That hurts just picturing that.
Bill Clinton: Trump is so much a Putin poodle, he takes his golden showers with a liter of Stoli's...and not necessarily in that order.
Prof. Brian Cox: That one's a little flat, kinda like Trump's erection.
Rachel Maddow: Uh oh, putting my hands on my ears now.
Prof. Brian Cox: Trump's Johnson is so tiny, you need an Aspex Electron Microscope set at 100,000 magnification.
Bernie Sanders: Not too bad, but how about this one...Trump is such a liar, he makes Bernie Madoff seem like Pope Francis after taking a bath in Sodium Pentathol.
Bill Clinton: I got one better. Donald Trump is so dishonest, he makes me look like a saint.
Bernie Sanders: Ouch, talk about feeling the burn.
Rachel Maddow: Wow. That hurt.
Bill Clinton: Well, you know the news cut me off when I was trying to explain about Monica.
Prof. Brian Cox: Really.
Niall Stanage: Do tell
Bill Clinton: I said I did not have sexual relations with that woman...cause she was a girl at the time.
Bernie Sanders: Oh brother.
James Carville: That one's so stale, a quart of cow's milk left out in the sun for a month seems fresher.
Niall Stanage: I think as you fellas drink, your jokes get drunker.
James Carville: Ha...you Hill reporters are stodgy.
Niall Stanage: I may be dodgy, but not stodgy.
Prof. Brian Cox: I bet I can drink you under the table.
Rachel Maddow: Don't indulge him. He likes his wine a little too much.
Niall Stanage: I never indulge folks from Manchester.
Prof. Brian Cox: Oh, go and get stuffed.
David Attenborough: See here, Brian, you mind your manners.
Prof. Brian Cox. Sir David Attenborough. Pardon me, sir, I didn't see you there.
David Attenborough: That's because the director said to sit out of sight. Seriously, though, I have a Trump Joke. Word has it he's hung like a tsetse fly. (James Carville laugh)
Rachel Maddow: I always thought he was hung like a Cheeto.
James Carville: I thought you cover your ears when we talk like this, Rachel
Rachel Maddow: I loosen up after 3 Hemingways.
Niall Stanage: You've had 4.
Rachel Maddow: I rest my case.
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