Pundits in a Bar (Soundtrack version)
This week's stars are
Niall Stanage, White House Correspondent For The Hill
Rachel Maddow, top anchor for MSNBC
Bernie Sanders, Senator from Vermont
Democratic strategist James Carville
Brian Cox, astrophysicist
James - Hey, Bernie, how's it hangin'?
Bernie - Um. Loose and ready for use?
James - There ya go. So finally we got to see the top 2 pages of a Trump tax return
Bernie - He leaked those to distract America from his ties to Putin and his disastrous healthcare plan that he won't even attach his name to, not to mention Snoop Dog wanting to cap his ass.
James - Oh, yeah, Trumpcare. I think that shit is dead on arrival, if you forgive the analogy.
Bernie - Paul Ryan is adding more to it to try to dress it up but his fellow party members say it's Obamacare Light. I say it's Deathcare Heavy. Lots of folks are going to lose Medicaid coverage and will end up going to the Emergency Room in hospitals that will remain open.
James - True. Who knows what will happen when the remaining hospitals maybe decide not to treat many of those folks who can't afford insurance. I know a guy in Vegas who got thrown out in the street after 4 days in the hospital when they found out he didn't have insurance.
Bernie - Makes me want to do a lot of shots tonight.
James - You and me both.
Rachel - That's not going to help. (glass breaking)
James - Holy Shit, you scared me, Rachel Maddow...always wearing black with dark sunglasses like you's some kinda federal agent. Bad enough Niall Stanage is here lookin' like Agent Smith from The Matrix.
Rachel - Sorry...it's my favorite color scheme.
Niall - Be careful, Mr. Carville...I may become Smith again and turn ya into a data stream.
James - That guy scares me.
Niall - Just watch what happens on St. Patrick's Day.
Rachel - After this week, I think we'll all be snockered by then.
Niall - Not me. I know how to handle my liquor.
Brian Cox - I bet I could drink you under the table.
Niall - I'll take that bet.
James - Looks like you scored a big story on Trump's taxes, Rachel--and you're probably tops on Trump's Enemies List.
Niall - Well, if he leaked them to Mr. Johnston, perhaps it's water under the bridge.
Bernie - Still, I'd hire a couple extra bodyguards, Rachel...and maybe purchase some Kevlar or maybe some chainmail.
Rachel - I'm not worried either way. There was nothing illegal or improper about reporting a story, especially when it's mailed to you.
Niall - Are you concerned that maybe those 2 pages were doctored?
Rachel - If they were, it gets even more problematic since the White House confirmed those numbers and if they are found to be inaccurate, it just shows even further evidence they're putting out alternate facts.
Bernie - Like I said, it's a distraction from Trumpcare and Trumprussia.
James - This whole thing reads like a movie.
Niall - With Alec Baldwin as the lead.
Bernie - With Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer
Niall - Kate McKinnon as Kelly Anne Conway
Bernie - She could also double up as the Keebler Elf From Hell
Brian Cox - and who's that.
James - Jeff Boreegard Sessions, the Atty Gen.
Brian Cox - Maybe Ms Maddow could play Steve Bannon.
Rachel. Nope. That's Rosie O'Donnell. I'm going to dye my hair and be Mike Pence.
James - Bernie and I could play ourselves and Professor Cox here could be Preet Bharara, the US attorney likely to lead the independent investigation.
Brian Cox - But I don't even look remotely like Preet.
Rachel - But you have such a sweet and honest face. You'd just have to cut your hair.
Brian Cox - Oh stop you're making me blush. Wait, what? Cut my hair. No bloody way.
Bernie - I personally think this does play like a spy movie....or a really long Twilight Zone episode without Rod Serling.
Rod Serling - It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.
James - Holy shit how the hell did he get in here? Are we dead?
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